Trust and Doubt

What does our trust look like when we can't explain our trouble or sickness? How do we look beyond it all? Some of us try to show faith by saying we are believing God for something in our lives like a job, health, or whatever other need they may have. Some say trusting in him means accepting that his ways are not our ways. I've come to realize that what it means to trust God can be almost as hard as the situation itself. I've also come to realize that the Word of God gives us wisdom for those struggles.
I am learning not to be afraid to be honest with God. David expressed his despair and helplessness for things beyond his control. Job accused God of being unfair. When it seemed God was ignoring them, they expressed it. But they learned to trust God in the dark times of their doubts.
It helps me when I break this journey down into small steps. As a friend once told me, inch by inch life's a cinch, yard by yard life is hard. God promised I will never leave you or forsake you.
In desperate times we think we know what we need from God. But God knows what is best for us even in difficult circumstances.
It gets real easy to doubt yourself. Job got to where he doubted himself more than he doubted God. After being reminded of the eternal power of God , he fell to his knees. From a broken heart, Job said,"I know that you can do everything, and that no purpose of yours can be withheld from you . I have uttered what I did not understand, things to wonderful for me, which I did not know. I have heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you".
Even though I have doubts at times, when I see God and who he is, trusting him is a little easier.

New Year

2010, I face this year feeling a bit apprehensive thinking about what I might face this year. What will the future hold for me? Jesus on the Sermon on the Mount told us not to worry. It's easy to say but much harder to practice. I don't really worry about the past because it is gone and I can't do anything about the past. A few regrets maybe, but I can't change the past, but I do worry about the future.

Jesus said don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own. With this disease there are so many questions about the future and what ifs.

When we lived in the woods, we had a bird feeder to feed the birds. I recall sitting there in the dining room watching the birds come and go. I often thought about what Jesus said about the birds, "look at the birds of the air, they don't sow or reap or stow away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren't we more valuable than they? Who can add a single hour to his life by worrying?" God knows each bird, cares for each bird, and knows when each bird dies. If God does that for the birds, won't he take care of us?

Jesus said to seek his kingdom and his righteousness, and he will take care of all the little details of life. So when I see a bird, I know that he takes care of that bird and he will take care of me.

Lord help me not to worry but trust you with my life, Amen

Christmas 2009

This Chistmas was a special time together as a family. My sons both got married this year to the most beautiful girls I could ask for as my daughters. We spent Christmas day enjoying each others company, eating good food, exchanging presents, and playing games. I am thankful for family and friends more than ever and the love and support they provide. They mean more to me than any material gift I could receive. I am truly blessed with family and friends that love and support us. Thank you for all your prayers and support.

Holiday Season

As 2009 comes to an end, and the Christmas season is upon us, I am reminded of all that I have to be thankful for. Physically this has been a year full of challenges. But in spite of everything that has happened, I still have so many things to be thankful for. I have family and friends who love me and a Savior who was willing to give his life for me. Let's not forget the gift God sent to save us from our sin when we share our gifts with each other.
I am looking forward to spending time with all our family and friends over this Christmas season. There is nothing like enjoying Christmas with food, fun, and fellowship. May you all have a blessed Christmas holiday and a great year ahead!

Hershey Visit 11/18/09

"Hershey day today!
I never look forward to Hershey day....after I get to Hershey and see the support we receive, than I know it is the best for me to go to understand our journey with ALS. The past 3 months our journey has been very hard....We had to get adjusted to so many changes and are still dealing with them. Gordie's breathing went from 93 to 58 in late August. He had to get a breathing machine, feeding tube surgery and other changes. In 3 months he went from eating his favorite Tuesday night tacos to having formula every meal. Gordie eats very little solids anymore. Our good news today was that breathing went up to 65...what a relief. When it gets under 50 than he will need to be on oxygen. His strength in legs and arms tested about the same that it was the last time, changes in his hands and swallowing. He is going to get a speaking device in the next 6 months.

Every time we go to Hershey they ask him about his quality of life, so they can see how his spirits are. The past 3 months have been very hard for Gordie, he said in a soft voice....some days he finds it hard to find a purpose and meaning for his life. After he was done talking we were all in tears...he is so amazing, he can take things and bless so many people. At the end of the visit, his comment was that I am on the other side of it now and doing better. Wow! how he deals with ALS is so amazing and he touches so many lives, when we go to Hershey he lifts everyone spirits that we are in touch with. I love and admire my husband!

A bright thing in October was Chad & Noelle's beautiful wedding, he had a great day. Thank you Clint & Tanya and Chad & Noelle for our precious family time together, this makes our day when you come home.

Thank you Christine (caregiver) for coming with us today....

I love and appreciate our friends & family
Emy"

I just want to add, this journey with ALS is not for the faint of heart. When your body slowly begins to rob you the ability to do less and less for yourself, it can make you wonder what is my meaning and purpose for existing. Sometimes I think It would be easier to just give up fighting, but then I am reminded that God is sovereign and even though I have this disease, he has a plan for what he wants to accomplish in my life. Yes, at times I struggle to find purpose and meaning for my life, but I am confident there is. He gives all of us purpose. It is when I live beyond myself, then that is where I find a purpose and meaning for my life. My life isn't always about me. It's more about what I can do for him, forgetting about myself and allowing him to be glorified through me.

Since ALS, I can say God has blessed me in so many ways. God has given me a wonderful family, supportive friends, a church family that loves and support us, great caregivers that help me every day, and so much more. Through it all, I can say God is good! This Thanksgiving season I have so much to be thankful for.
Thank you all for your prayers and support!

Wedding Day

Sunday was the big day for Chad and Noelle. They got married in the afternoon at the chapel at Willow Valley, and the reception was in the Palm Court. It was a beautiful day and lovely wedding. I am blessed with a wonderful family. It is a delight to see them start their lives together and my new daughters are a joy to have around. God has blessed me with a beautiful family that support Emy and me in our journey. I pray they will enjoy many happy years together. I posted a slide show with some pictures of the wedding. Enjoy!

Chad & Noelle's Wedding 10/25/2009

Wedding Bells

This weekend is going to be exciting because Chad and Noelle are getting married. I pray they will have a great life together and for God's blessing in their marriage.

Feeding Tube

October 8th I went to Hershey Medical Center to have my feeding tube put in. Because my decline in breathing function combined with alot of choking and coughing while eating, they recommended I have the feeding tube put in. It's just another thing to get used to and a reminder of what ALS does to your body. I try to dwell on the things I can still do rather than what I can't. Not easy but I try. With God's help I'll make it. Thanks for all the prayers and support on my behalf.

September 19 Gordie's Day

Every year since I was diagnosed with ALS, my wife's sister and husband have a fundraiser for us to help with all the expenses involved with ALS. The fundraiser includes a motorcycle run, car show, and chicken bar-b-que along with other food items that are donated. It was a picture perfect day.

I am truly grateful but I'm humbled by the generosity, kindness and love that I receive from everyone that come out and support us.

As much as I hate this disease, I can say God is good. He has brought people into my life that I would otherwise never had the pleasure of meeting. He has shown me his love and kindness through others, many that I've never known.
I know I am in God's hands and I will trust him with my life.

Thanks to all for your prayers, love, support in this journey.

Tough Times

If you read my previous blog you know the past several weeks have been rather hard to deal with. On top of receiving a not so positive report from Hershey I had to put down my sidekick Daisy. Daisy was my dog, a boxer and has been with me since 2000. She was a loyal companion that never let me out of her sight. When I had to be in the wheelchair fultime she got even more protective with me. She was by far the most intelligent dog I ever had. She possibly had a stroke, cancer or something neurological wrong with her. She could no longer walk without falling or holding herself up by leaning against the wall or furniture. The vet said we did the right thing by putting her down. I still think I hear her or I find myself looking to see where she is when I go to move my chair.

When I received my diagnosis of ALS, I knew it was going to be a tough thing to deal with. Getting the results I got from Hershey really came as no surprise to me because I knew the time would come sooner or later when these types of symptoms accur. But I guess I really wasn't thinking it would happen now since my progression was rather slow to this point. As with each loss I experience, there is a time of denial then eventually acceptance.

I still struggle to make sense of it all, but then I'm reminded that all things work together for the good. God promised never to leave or forsake us. To be honest, there are times when I feel God is nowhere to be found, but I know he is always near me somewhere. I reach out to him and once again I ask him to know that I am in his will and plan he has for my life. Even Jesus felt deserted when hanging on the cross, but he knew that was God's plan for his life so a wretch like me could be saved. When I realize how much he loves me in the sinful state that I'm in, I am forever grateful that he allowed God to use him in that capacity for my salvation. Even though it makes no sense to me why I have ALS, I know God has a plan and a purpose for my life. There are times I think about how Jesus asked God to take this cup from me but not my will but may your will be done. As hard as it is, I want God's purpose for my life. I know he will provide the strength and courage to continue on this journey.

ALS Clinic Vist at Hershey

Well this has been a long day at Hershey. The past couple weeks, we have both noticed changes. We thought we were ready for today knowing the changes since we were in Hershey the end of April, little did we really know. First stop was breathing test and I guess this was the biggest disappointment. Six months ago it was 93%..today 58%. I knew I was getting worse but didn't realize I was that bad. As the day went by it seemed like things went downhill from there. Because my breathing declined to 58%, I will be using a bi-pap at night to help with my breathing. I should experience more energy during the day.

Next came the swallowing and speech evaluation. Not much better news there either. Due to the high risk of aspiration from choking while eating, I will gradually be using thickeners in my drinks and have my food processed to a smooth consistency. Because my breathing function is so low they suggested having a feeding tube put in sometime in the near future. The surgery is too risky when your breathing gets below 50%.

Due to the lengthly process involved in getting some kind of speaking and communication device I will be having a speech evaluation done in near future to see what device is most compatible for me to use.

As you can imagine, our day was a bit overwhelming. Having ALS, I knew these things were going to happen at some point but just wasn't quite ready to deal with this all at once.

I am still believing God will provide me with the strength and courage to go through this journey and find purpose in my life as I face each challenge that will come.

This past weekend we went to Virginia to spend some time with friends. We are blessed to have friends like Beck and Aaron. We had a great time spending most of our time on the farm where they were making salsa and tomato sauce with all the tomatoes from their garden. I couldn't help in any way because I'm in a wheelchair and my arm, leg, and speaking function are very limited these days. I just hung out and watched them doing their thing enjoying the view of the Blue Ridge mountains in the distance. I had to think how awesome God is and his beautiful handiwork. One night we ate hot dogs and watermelon at the campsite and watched the sun go down as we visited. A nice peaceful easy feeling. I posted some pictures of our weekend. Enjoy!

By Bill Izard

Complaining is unbecoming of the true Christian and yet we are proficient at it. The cure is found in these verses. In Christ we are never hopeless or forsaken. Every trial has meaning. Meditate on this cure in order to change both your language and your heart.


1. God commands me never to complain."Do all things without complaining and disputing" (Philippians 2:14, NAS).



2. God commands me to give thanks in every circumstance."In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you" (1 Thessalonians 5:18).


3. God commands me to rejoice always, and especially in times of trial. "Rejoice in the Lord always" (Philippians 4:4); "Rejoice always" (1 Thessalonians 5:16); "Count it all joy when you fall into various trials" (James 1:2).


4. I always deserve much worse than what I am suffering now—in fact, I deserve hell. "Why should any living mortal, or any man, offer complaint in view of his sins?" (Lamentations 3:39)
"Do you suppose that these Galileans were worse sinners than all other Galileans, because they suffered such things? I tell you, no; but unless you repent you will all likewise perish" (Luke 13:2-3).


5. In light of the eternal happiness and glory that I will experience in Heaven, this present trial is extremely brief and insignificant, even if it were to last a lifetime."The sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us" (Romans 8:18); "For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory" (2 Corinthians 4:19).


6. My suffering is far less than that which Christ suffered, and He did not complain."Who when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when he suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously" (1 Peter 2:23).


7. To complain is to say God is not just."Shall not the Judge of all the Earth do right?" (Genesis 18:25)


8. Faith and prayer exclude complaining. "I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears" (Psalm 34:4).


9. This difficulty is being used by God for my good and it is foolish for me to complain against it."And we know that all things work together for the good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).


10. Those more faithful than I have suffered far worse than I, and did so without complaint. "…and others were tortured, not accepting their release, in order that they might obtain a better resurrection; and others experienced mockings and scourgings, yes, also chains and imprisonment. They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were tempted, they were put to death with the sword; they went about in sheepskins, in goatskins, being destitute, afflicted, ill-treated (men of whom the world was not worthy), wandering in deserts and mountains and caves and holes in the ground. All these, having gained approval through their faith…" (Hebrews 11:35-39)


11. Complaining denies that God's grace is entirely sufficient."My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9).


12. The greatest suffering, the worst trial or difficulty, can never rob me of that which is of greatest value to me and my greatest joy, namely the love of Christ."Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written, 'For Your sake we are killed all day long; We were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:35-39).

Summer Vacation

Every year we take our summer vacation at Ocean City, Md. We always have lots of fun being together as a family. With me having ALS, it makes things a little bit harder for me but with some adjustments we get by. I love spending time with family and the closeness I feel when we are all together. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful and caring family surrounding me. They are there for me when I am having a hard time and their love and support really does make a difference.

I had a good time even though I couldn't go out on the beach. I listened to music and took cat naps while the others were out playing on the beach and getting sand over everything. Now be are back to our normal routines whatever that may be. God is good!

4th of July Week-end

Saturday evening we went to Chad's apartment for a cookout and had an enjoyable time with Chad and Noelle, Clint and Tanya, Mom and Dad, Noelle's parents Hans and Debbie, and Emy and myself. The food was good thanks to master chef, Chad and all the trimmings provided by the women.

We are grateful for the freedoms we share in this country. They should never be taken for granted and the sacrifices that were made by those who fought for those freedoms.

I thank God every day for the sacrifice Jesus made for my sin. May we never forget the debt that was paid so that we can be free.

Happy Independents Day!

Fathers Day

Sunday is fathers day. What does fathers day mean to me? As a child growing up, the things I remember most about my dad was that he worked very hard to provide for his family. We didn't have much but what we had meant alot to me. I worked with him repairing our vehicles which taught me about mechanics and how to fix things. With his help we rebuilt an engine for a 1956 Ford. He would tell me what to do before he went off to work and together we rebuilt the engine. He taught me the value of hard work. I will never forget the times we spent in the garage fixing our vehicles. Sometimes all I did was hold the flashlight so he could see what he was doing but I was learning something at the same time. I used those skills when I started working.

He was quiet man with a warm smile and a sense of humor. At age 50 he passed away but He gave me many fond memories that I still cherish to this day.

Now I'm a father and have two boys I am so proud of. I followed my fathers footsteps and worked hard to provide the best for them. As they grew up we did many things together and created many memories. We went camping, took day trips, traveled, went to the beach, mountains, and golfed together.

Being a father has helped me see our heavenly father in a whole new perspective. He wants us to experience the best for us as we do for our children. Sometimes we don't always obey him but he still loves and cares for us because we are still his children. I have failed him many times but he still loves me be cause I am his child. That is how I am with my boys. No matter what they do I love them because they are mine and I am there for them.

I am blessed with a beautiful family. I have a great wife and have ( am getting ) two wonderful daughters. I love them dearly and consider myself a blessed father. Even with ALS, God has blessed me above and beyond what I deserve. So this Sunday, fathers day, I'm honored to be called a father.